identity

identity

exp-emp-emb

I have thought a lot about the identity that I used to live out. It was not really ‘me’ but it governed me for a long time. I called it the ‘Culture of Nice’ (CON). There were systems and contexts that supported it and I trusted others to know what was best for me. Bad decision, it turns out. ‘Nice’ people are not necessarily the best mentors.

I found that the CON didn’t allow for much authenticity, engaging with diversity, or ways to heal its internal viruses. It seemed like a difficult, confusing game I had to learn, with rules about how to cover up or ignore things that might jeopardize status, power, or comfort.

Thinking back, I’m not proud of my time in the CON; I participated in it and even perpetuated it at times. There were penalties for resisting the game: labelling, shunning and shaming. But there were also costs to staying: people-pleasing and believing I was weird- or wrong-wired.

So, how do you gather courage and bust out? For me, it was a slow process more about reclamation than reinvention. Some ideas:

 It was easier to think about what I didn’t want to do/be. The opposite was often what I did want to be/do.

 Re/discovering my core values & beliefs meant I could re/orient around them.

 Small explorations created small shifts that created a different trajectory.

 Trying things on: What was less like me/more like me?

 Being gentle with myself in liminal phases & unexpected slips & slides. Old habits die hard.

 Changing where I lived helped a lot. Changing how I lived helped even more.

 Accepting that others could think different, do different, & not like who I was becoming.

 Grieving the relational & opportunity costs was one part; believing in new opportunities and options was another.

Obviously, I’m still working on this identity stuff and I’m in the awkward stage, again. And yet, I hope to never finish the job. Some security would be welcome but at what cost?

Maybe identity formation is more about recognizing and participating in movement than it is about making the big jump and sticking the landing.