relationship therapy (1)

I’m starting today in an unusual place but I think it will underpin the following post on relationships.

Namely, I’m starting with ideology of neoliberalism, a dominant economic engine in many cultures that endorses competition, productivity, and consumerism. It supports individuality, independence, and a steady rise to the top of the success ladder. It has a dark secret: if you don’t succeed in having the good life, it’s because you didn’t work hard enough, you chose not to be successful, or you failed.

This philosophy filters down into romantic and friend relationships as well. People work hard and long to make ends meet and make things work out but there is a scarcity of time, money, basic securities, and energy. Under a neoliberalism mantle, relationship expectations and demands are high. Do better. Be better. Expect better. Don’t fail at this.

It kind of makes sense. But does it really?

For many couples, the questions are: How do we both get what we want, desire, require, deserve, fix our attachment wounds? Does this person/relationship fit in with/support/fulfill my personal goals and life success? Is there someone out there who is better suited to me (i.e., am I settling with this person)?

This individualistic relationship lens is one that I would like to dismantle and challenge in lieu of a more relational one.

Why? Because almost every couple I meet with in counselling wants to talk about their difficulty in communication. When the expectations are stratospheric, then the other person cannot (and maybe does not want to) work so hard at meeting them. It seems that both want all of the same things (success, happiness, fulfillment) but it’s impossible to figure out how to work that out for both individuals at the same time. The conflict is blamed on the breakdown in communication.

In the next post, I’ll present a different way of thinking about relationships that steps outside of the neoliberalism perspective and into a more relational understanding of a couple. The duo will shift into a trio. I think it’s a more humane and helpful way to manage all the demands and difficulties that a couple faces, and is perhaps more likely to support flourishing. Not always. But more so.